“…full of things…smothered by gods”

Jesus, I come to the warmth of your Presence
knowing that You are
the very emptiness of God.
I come before You
holding the water jar of my life.
Your eyes meet mine
and I know what I’d rather not know.

I came to be filled
but I am already full.
I am too full.
This is my sickness
I am full of things
that crowd out
Your healing Presence.

A holy knowing steals inside my heart
and I see the painful truth.
I don’t need more
I need less
I am too full.

I am full of things that block out
Your golden grace.
I am smothered by gods of my own creation
I am lost in the forest of my false self
I am full of my own opinions and narrow attitudes
full of fear, resentment, control
full of self pity, and arrogance.
Slowly this terrible truth pierces my heart,
I am so full, there is no room for You.

Contemplatively, and with compassion,
You ask me to reach into my water jar.
One by one, Jesus, you enable me
to lift out the things
that are a hindrance to my wholeness.
I take each on to my heart,
I hear You asking me
” Why is this so important to you ? ”

Like the murmur of a gentle stream
I hear You calling,
” Let go, let go, let go! ”
I pray with each obstacle
tasting the bitterness and grief
it has caused.

Finally
I sit with my empty water jar
I hear you whisper
You have become a space for God
Now there is hope
Now you are ready to be a channel of Life.
You have given up your own agenda
There is nothing left but God.

Walsh acknowledges Hemmingway’s genius, but he doesn’t hold back.

It’s easy to be spiteful about Hemingway. All his posturing, his editing of the truth, his vainglorious fibbing… But it’s hard to shake off the feeling that what he was doing wasn’t bravery, but psychotic self-dramatisation. And when you inspect the image of Hemingway-as-hero, you uncover an extraordinary sub-stratum of self-harming. You discover that, for just over half of his life, Hemingway seemed hell-bent on destroying himself.

The article gets some push-back in the comments, probably deserved, but there’s a story here worth examining intently.

Hemmingway aside, it makes me wonder about writers and photographers losing touch with themselves and reality, or becoming prisoners of the images and stories. I know what it’s like to kick words around like stones as I walk, or eat, or drive — spinning out threads of plot and dialogue, or casting about for images everywhere I look. Sometimes it takes my wife or kids several attempts to call me back to attention; and sometimes I return on my own and wonder what I’ve missed.

I’ve claimed that writing about reality, and photography, helps me engage with the world. But that’s not entirely true. It’s engagement with reality that gives me something worth writing and expressing in images. If I don’t engage first, it’s only fabrication. The world is full of that in literature and every kind of art — not to mention in journalism. Works of pretense may be more profitable than works of revelation, certainly easier to come by, but they don’t accomplish much lasting good for me to produce them or anyone else to consume them.

I’m not in position to judge Hemmingway or the value of his work, but his story makes me pause and consider my own authenticity.

What was bugging Hemingway? Why all the drinking, the macho excess, the manic displays of swaggering? Why was he so drawn to war, shooting, boxing and conflict? Why did he want to kill so many creatures? Was he trying to prove something? Or blot something out of his life?

I’m struck that a man like Hemmingway, who seemed to live a BIG life that others aspire to, might have never been truly free; this man of far reaching imagination, a genius at crafting stories, may never have seen his own story truly.  Did he taste the fullness of life, or was he so desperate to escape a shallow existence that he attempted it with a pen and his imagination?

I know what it’s like to walk around looking for stories and pictures, spinning bits and pieces of narratives and dialogues as I walk like kicking stones. I can easily get lost in the words; it’s like listening to another voice, or voices, that can please the crowd better than I can — a fantasy. What if I got lost in that?

If I write, or tell stories with pictures or video, I want these to come from myself.  I don’t want to craft myself from the stories.

I’d rather give up playing with words and images entirely than lose my own often tenuous connections to the world and people and God in this moment — to my own wife and children, who are upstairs going to sleep as I type. The greatest story I know is the story I get to live, and it’s happening way to fast, or slow, to write about.  I suppose I could write about watching the wind blow through the grass as I walked by the river this evening, but who would want to read about that — or write about it (once the moment passes). Okay, Annie Dillard. I don’t know how she did it; and I could only read half of that book.

I think I’ll go peak in at those kids now.

I’ve recently been reading a blog by a former Christian, someone whose “evangelical credentials” were as conservative as can be. How does someone like that lose faith? Or has she? She’s gone off the beaten path and down the slippery slope, yet she’s followed a certain logic that she explains (prolifically). Here’s a question she asks.

So how do we figure out what we really believe and don’t believe? I think this can only take place if we sense an element of personal freedom. As long as we are slaves who must conform to some imposed standard in order to be loved, it won’t be easy to discern our subconscious mind. Do I really believe that or have I only been pressured, or enticed to believe that? We need to know that we’re going to still be loved (at least by our own selves) if we step over the boundaries.

Do you know what you believe if you’ve never felt a freedom to really disbelieve (i.e., without losing the love of God)?

Three reasons to try Moolala

1. Moolala looks like a like a solid, respectable company. I feel good about joining and recommending it. People who sign up should genuinely appreciate the service. (See more below.)

2. There’s a realistic chance to make some extra income here, based on the timing and Moolala’s profit sharing plan. Moolala has a good, generous plan for sharing profits with users (see the video below). Most importantly, Moolala hasn’t launched yet, so most people haven’t heard of it yet. Those who sign up now have a window of opportunity to make much money through referrals. Once everyone is hearing about Moolala left and right, that moment will pass.

3. Moolala is a zero pressure service that can only succeed by giving people who sign up a positive experience. I can’t find any reason not to give them a chance to impress me.

Learn more on Moolala’s website

More about Moolala

Moolala is shaping up as a legitimate company with a strong chance to succeed in a big way.  It is led by Josh Chodniewicz (co-founder and former CEO of art.com) with an all-star team. Dr. Tony Dale is listed as an adviser to the executive team. He is the Chairman and Co-Founder of Karis Group and a respected Christian leader. Jonathan Dale, the Chief Operating Officer, is a student of Seth Godin, and you can see the evidence of that already. I really expect Moolala to go places.

Moolala’s service is similar to Groupon (a popular “daily deal” service) with the addition of Moolala’s profit-sharing system and unique style. Customers get special deals (think “unique local deals that make your day” not generic coupons). It’s a great service for local businesses to promote themselves, and Moolala gets commissions which they share with the users. Everyone who signs up with Moolala gets lifelong two percent commissions on all purchases made by friends they refer, plus friends referred by friends, plus friends referred by friends of their friends (for five levels of referrals).

Example: If 10 people who read this sign up for Moolala, and each of them refers Moolala to 10 others who sign up (and this pattern repeats four more times), that’s 100,000 people.  I not saying it will work out that way, just trying to show the potential.

My experience making money online

Over the past few years, I’ve made a decent amount of money by recommending phone services through a website I made in 2001. It was a simple idea that didn’t take much time (once I learned the basics), but the income I made was enough to help my family get through some lean times when we were living in Japan. The reason why it worked was that I received generous “life long commissions” for all the customers I referred. People have asked me how they can make money the same way that I did, and I always say it’s too late. Long distance services are already becoming outdated, and too many people are promoting them. The principle I learned is that it’s very important to choose services well and move when the timing is right.

Last thoughts

I hate advertising that appeals to greed, and I don’t mean to do that. I think Moolala is a company using the Internet well. That’s why I think it will work, and it makes sense for them to share the profits. I don’t mind being a small part of that.

Watch this video for more details about how Moolala shares profits with users:

One last thing, Moolala isn’t a pyramid scheme. Pyramid schemes require you to pay money to join, and they’re illegal. You don’t have to pay anything or buy anything at all with Moolala. Services like this get loads of free advertising from their users. Moolala is willing to pay, because they hope motivated users will help the company succeed that much better.

If you have thoughts, concerns, or questions, please let me know. I hope you appreciate this post. If not, sorry for taking your time.

If you had a manager that talked to you the way you talked to you, you’d quit. If you had a boss that wasted as much as your time as you do, they’d fire her. If an organization developed its employees as poorly as you are developing yourself, it would soon go under.

I’m amazed at how often people choose to fail when they go out on their own or when they end up in one of those rare jobs that encourages one to set an agenda and manage themselves. Faced with the freedom to excel, they falter and hesitate and stall and ultimately punt.

The encouraging part is that we have a choice. Tomorrow I start with a new language teacher, and I face the question: Will I make choices that enable me to succeed? It’s so much easier to lower the bar, take the dignified way out.

I also liked this article about a young writer here in Phnom Penh. It’s a refreshing story; she’s going for it. She needs to lose the “V” sign though.

If that catches your attention, see what Vinoth Ramachandra wrote this week.  He’s writing about Christian mission,  but it’s a short step to apply these thoughts to development work as well. Here’s something to wet your taste.

It is troubling that mission has been reduced to what we (the relatively well-off) do in other cultures and places, and does not seem to apply to what the poor can do for us and what we can do for them where we are. Those who live in the poorer South are constantly at the receiving end of “packaged” gospels, discipleship courses, leadership seminars, church-growth “gurus”, even sermons and “worship” DVDs from rich churches abroad. The latter have no desire to learn from others and, ironically, have little impact in their own societies…..

“Partnership” has been a buzz-word…cynics will say that it is simply a disguise for neo-colonial mission. Like “development” and “empowerment”, the gulf between the rhetoric and actual practice is enormous. Foreign organizations divert people as well as funds away from locally-initiated projects and ministries… Local staff are…merely the people who implement the programs started and funded by foreigners…

The problem is that what is “sexy” to donors in the U.S is often far removed from the real needs in the countries concerned. That some American donors may want to be educated does not seem to register on the thinking of local leaders.

We often turn to Western writers and intellectuals for guidance. But wise men and women in the Global South, like Vinoth Ramachandra, in Sri Lanka, are reduced to requesting an audience. If we listened to people like him more, and sought them out, we’d be better off.

Read his book to learn more, Subverting Global Myths: Theology and the Public Issues Shaping Our World. I just added it to my “wish list” at Amazon. It’s a scholarly work, not for everyone.  There are no reader reviews, but Stanley Hauerwas says, “I have read few books from which I have learned more.” That’s enough for me.

Vinoth Ramachandra, like the authors I referenced yesterday, writes from a Christian perspective about Christian mission and development work. Even more than yesterday’s authors, I think both Christians and non-Christians will value what he has to say.

This isn’t a new idea, but I think this is the first book to address the issue from a Christian perspective. Christians play a huge role in relief and development work around the world and in their home countries, mostly with the best of intentions, but the sad truth exposed in this book is that many of their efforts have more negative effects than positive ones. The positive message is that we can do better and be part of genuine development and change; but it’s not going to be quick or easy.

[Update: To be clear, negative effects are an issue across the board, not just in Christian aid efforts.]

I had a conversation once with someone who asked why I would criticize well-meaning people. My short answer: Because they hurt other people. I think people who really have good intentions want to know this and change course.

But how can this be? How can professional agencies created to help people in need become complicit in their suffering and injustice? How can a caring student in Texas start a project for AIDS orphans in Africa (or for poor immigrants in her local community) that does more harm than good? Read the book to find out.

Here is one way to understand the problem (that I read about here): Who are the clients of international relief and development agencies? Who do they have to please? Who are they accountable to? Donors!

The donors are the de facto clients. But in almost all cases, the donors are too far away to see the results themselves, so they get stories and pictures carefully prepared by the agencies they support (paid for with the money they gave).  Now if the donors are happy, it really doesn’t make a difference in economic terms whether aid recipients benefit or not.

Of course, it would make sense to have aid recipients participate in solving their own problems, put them in positions of authority, and let them hold aid organizations accountable. It would also make sense to have relationships in local communities and learn about their capacities and how to support them before showing up with pre-packaged solutions–what this book calls “McDevelopment.”  These simple steps would change international aid from the inside out, both in its organizational or grassroots forms.

But these steps are inconvenient. Building relationships takes time and it’s messy. Changes in the aid industry would probably cost jobs and alter careers. Using money to fund projects according to formulas is easy, fast, and safe.

Imagine with me, MegaAid Organization has to spend their budget this year. Time is running out, and they need proposals they can fund and launch quickly. Not to mention, Angelina Jolie is scheduled to do an appearance in two weeks, and they need a fresh project to show. Alternatively, Joe and his friends want to help the poor somewhere. They can a) go build a house for poor people in Mexico, b) collect used sneakers to ship to Africa, or c) go to Haiti for two weeks as volunteers. They are giving up their vacations for this and want to really make a difference.

In both of the cases above, what is the role of the poor in the process? Where is their voice in the planning? Who asks them what they want? In order to change anything in a lasting way, the poor must take charge of their own solutions at some point, but when? But often they are treated as passive recipients, and the system works better if they stay that way.

These questions cut to the heart of what I’m doing here. I am in Cambodia to make a difference, but I know real change must emerge from Cambodians themselves. Will I learn the language so I can build good relationships? Will I trust Cambodian leaders and make genuine partners? Will I refuse to take roles that would validate my own ego, status, and career so Cambodians can take those roles and shine instead? Will I accept that lasting changes happen slowly and resist speeding up (and ruining) the process?

The truth is that people with power almost never give it up. We always see ways to maintain control, even without making it obvious. At the end of the day, most of us help ourselves first (our egos, families, and futures), and then we help the other guy.

Acting differently, whether as individuals or organizations, really does require costly changes from the inside out.

Again, the book is When Helping Hurts. It’s a Christian perspective that draws from the Bible and Jesus’ teaching about justice and the Kingdom of God. If you’re a Christian, I strongly recommend it.

If you’re not a Christian, I sympathize with any cynicism you may have about Christian justice and compassion. You’d be surprised how many followers of Jesus, who may or may not identify with the religion, would agree. Many followers of Jesus understand that justice and faith and love go hand in hand or don’t go anywhere at all; and many are working on the hard, practical questions of how to live this out, not just in words or programs but in reality.

Normally, I would quote a teaser or two. I just don’t know where to begin. There’s the story about Hitler serving milk and  cookies (okay, something like that), or the part about how he would be a liar if he claimed to believe in Jesus Christ.  His message is disturbing for anyone inside the box of traditional Christianity, but it’s a breath of fresh air for those who are ditching the box or at least thinking about it.

First, in typical Godin style, he reminds me to dare. One large “success” outweighs dozens of failures. I use quote marks, because we all have different ideas of success. Still, the principle holds. As Godin writes,

If you spend your days avoiding failure by doing not much worth criticizing, you’ll never have a shot at success. Avoiding the thing that’s easy to survive keeps you from encountering the very thing you’re after.

Simple, right? Well, I need reminders like this almost every day. That’s about how often I find myself tempted toward doing things I can’t fail at.

But it gets better. His next post speaks directly to something I’ve long believed. The best choices in life are not always the rational ones. Love, faith, art…such things don’t require rational explanations. In fact, something vital is lost when forcing such realities into rationality. We can celebrate the irrationality of something without sacrificing its truth.

Godin asks, “Are you rational?”

Yeah, sometimes, but I’m probably less overtly rational than the average person. Yet I’m pretty intense about why I do things and about what is true (even if I don’t see truth clearly but from a distance).

What I appreciated was Godin’s closing thought:

There’s room for both rational and irrational decision making, and I think we do best when we choose our path in advance instead of pretending to do one when we’re actually doing the other. The worst thing we can do is force one when we actually need the other.

This is both reasonable and encouraging for someone like me. There are times for both rational and irrational decision making, and it’s best to discern and acknowledge which mode I’m in and have the tenacity and/or courage to follow through.

Fortunately, failure is not the worst case scenario. If it was,  I suppose the world would be led by rational decision makers alone, and it would be quite a bit less interesting.

Hat tip to Aid Thoughts via Chris Blattman (via IPA).

On my last trip, I discovered it took a conscious effort to speak like a native English speaker. Rather, simplified English is becoming my default.

Now I have a word for what I do: globish (global English). Do you speak it?

Globish is a “decaffeinated English” that is increasingly becoming a widely used international language. (h/t Kottke)

Are you a victim of the lizard?

Recently, I added Seth Grodin to my Google Reader feed. He has an amazing ability to churn out useful insights almost every day. Today he writes about the inner resistance that holds people back:

The resistance is the voice in the back of our head telling us to back off, be careful, go slow, compromise. The resistance is writer’s block and putting jitters and every project that ever shipped late because people couldn’t stay on the same page long enough to get something out the door.

The resistance grows in strength as we get closer to shipping, as we get closer to an insight, as we get closer to the truth of what we really want. That’s because the lizard hates change and achievement and risk.

I’ve been wanting to start exercising for months, and I want to write for publication. But the lizard is strong in me.

I’ve been following the story in Haiti on other blogs. I wanted to pass along this video. It’s an amazing story of a woman rescued after being buried in the rubble for six days. It’s also a story of a husband’s hope.