The past few years I’ve been in a process of unlearning many things.

I grew up going to church and immersed in Christian religion. I was taught (or perceived) that more knowledge — and especially the right knowledge — was the key to becoming a better follower of Jesus. Knowledge plus willingness and effort, that is. I was sincere, and I went for it. I made amazing discoveries, and I was excited about my faith. But after years of living this way, I found myself having increasing layers of knowledge, ideas, plans and programs, but less and less authentic knowledge of God. There was more of me and less of God; although I didn’t see it that way (because when you live a pretense you get good at it).

Businessman: You’ve got a banana in your ear.
The other fellow: What?
Businessman: You’ve got a banana in your ear!
The other fellow: Talk louder, I’ve got a banana in my ear!

Anthony De Mello, Awareness, p.9

In The Chronicles of Narnia (Book 3, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader), there’s a wonderful scene where Eustace (an unbearably self-centered boy) discovers the cave of a dying dragon. The cave is full of treasures, and he imagines how rich and powerful he’ll be if he could have it all. He falls asleep dreaming of being a dragon, and he wakes up to find that he has been transformed into one (not a good thing as it turns out).

The things that we crave eventually shape us — even to the extent that we may not be able to recognize or bear the sight of ourselves. Eustace, the dragon, eventually encounters Aslan (a huge lion who represents God). Aslan takes him to a pool of clean water, sinks a very long claw deep into Eustace’s dragon skin, and peels it off. It’s excruciatingly painful for Eustace and such a relief at the same time. Then Aslan flings Eustace (the boy now) into the clean water.

I feel like Eustace, like I’ve been having my dragon skin removed (but slowly). As the skin falls away, I discover I’m smaller and weaker and lacking things and qualities that gave me a sense of control and power before. Some of the thickest layers of my dragon skin came from my mastery of Christian religion, beliefs, and practices. Without my dragon skin, I’m like a child in the presence of God with nothing to prove my worth, faith, or significance. The discomfort that I feel tells me I’m vulnerable and insecure, unless the huge lion (Aslan/God) is the embodiment of Love. Then when I simply enjoy this wonderful freedom in the presence of God, my naked and humbled condition displays God’s love as a reality, better than my words ever could.

What does this really look like? Here’s one example. When I take volunteers to Cambodia, I’m a participant. Each trip is an exciting journey. I’m not trying to perform, finish a project, or add a shiny new layer to myself (although I admit I’ve got those foolish habits, but they don’t have much power over me anymore once I recognize them). In the past, I would have felt a tremendous urgency to lead the way and produce results. Now I want see the love of God (and I do, not every moment, but often enough) and go with it. And the more I become one with the Spirit of Love, the more I trust God with the results.

Jump in the water’s fine.

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I received an email from a friend today describing how his son has become a stranger to him. He had an image of his son, but somewhere along the way the son rejected that identity. Now both are struggling to find themselves: one as a father and the other on his own terms.

I was moved by my friend’s story. My kids are younger than his. I don’t want to compare myself to him or anyone else, but I could relate to what he wrote. It’s not easy to SEE your own children. It’s more “natural” of me to “see” them according to my own needs and desires.

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Later in the evening I stepped out and boarded a train to go meet some friends in Hachioji. I had ten minutes so I pulled out my Bible to see if anything inspiring would leap out quickly. I opened it and found two folded paper hearts (origami hearts).

One heart was blue and smaller than the other. It was intricately folded in Cambodia by Kunthy. Kunthy is one of the kids at the orphanage in Cambodia who I’ve grown very fond of during my three trips there (far left photo in brown). One evening she folded the heart and gave it to me, and I kept it in my Bible as a precious gift.

The other heart was pink. After returning to Japan I took out my little Bible, opened it, and showed the heart to my daughters (Reia in the middle photo, Mari and Maika in the photo on the right). They know about Kunthy and sometimes ask about her. Reia, my oldest, picked up some origami paper and folded a heart. She used a different method that’s less complex (larger, simpler folds). I looked at it and just said something like, “Oh, yeah, but this is different.” My wife was sitting nearby and said, “It’s a heart.” I looked again, “Yeah, it is.” But I didn’t get it. I left it laying on my desk.

When I opened my Bible on the train and saw both hearts there, I realized that someone, my wife or my daugher, had put Reia’s heart inside next to the one Kunthy had made — the very thing I suddenly wished I had done myself.

So I had my moment of inspiration, but it wasn’t what I expected. I closed my eyes and thanked God for my daughter, and I longed for the grace to love her well, which is to really see her.

Here’s a quote that I sent to my friend today, and now I’m thinking about the words again.

What does it mean to love? It means to see a person, a  situation, a thing as it really is, not as you imagine it to be. And to give it the response it deserves. (Anthony De Mello, Awareness, 161)

PS – My daugher put her heart there. Ouch, truth hurts, but it’s healing.

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There was a panel discussion on television this morning. The participants had some credibility — much more than the usual group of comedians and cute faces. Intellectuals mainly. My wife was watching so closely she didn’t hear anything else.

They discussed recent acts of random violence in Akihabra and other places, especially the June 8 attack in Akihabara in which 3 people died and 12 were stabbed.

The discussion moved from the specific events to deeper issues in Japanese culture and society. The overall consensus was that — relatively speaking — more young people in Japan are being encouraged to develop their own ideas, thoughts, and dreams. More and more preschools and elementary schools are creating space for individuals to be unique and expressive. (Note: This is still a recent trend. Many children are still growing up in environments that primarily pressure them to perform and conform.)

A young man in Shibuya at 6am on a Saturday (after spending the night at a club)

But society is not ready for people who want to be themselves. The education system and families don’t prepare youth mentally or emotionally to move forward on their own. Even if they emerge from school with personal dreams and aspirations, they reach the working world and must jump in (ready or not) or risk being left behind.

Going back a step, as young Japanese move from preschool to elementary, junior high, and high school their education becomes increasingly narrow and confining. The purpose is to teach information and methods not to build the character or thinking skills necessary for individuals who need to stand on their own. By junior high school everyone is expected to be on the same page racing to complete the extensive curriculum and prepare for the tests that determine their futures. Some start to drop out of school for various reasons (pressure, bullying). Rather than pushing these drop-outs outside (back to school or into a job) their families hide them away in shame — indefinitely. Many of these develop into hikikomori. Then there are those who graduate from high school or university retaining some of the empowerment and dreams of their childhood, but they face the future not yet knowing who they are or what they want to do. This is acceptable in the USA and other societies that encourage individual development. Young people in the USA often work a series of jobs; and people in their 30′s and 40′s continue changing jobs and careers. This is all part of their growth and learning process. But in Japan there is enormous pressure to find a job after graduating from school and then stick with it. Companies are looking for young workers who can be molded into the image of the company. Increasing numbers of young Japanese are working part-time jobs, hoping for something better to emerge, but for many this becomes a dead-end. If they don’t start a real career in time, it’s very hard to break in later. And it’s extremely difficult to change jobs, let alone careers, once you’ve passed into your thirties.

In summary, more and more Japanese have been encouraged on a pathway toward self-discovery as children; they have been encouraged to develop their individuality and dreams; but then their personal development was cut short, and they had to lower their expectations and accept work as a role — or be isolated. A few — probably many — have anger issues. Most endure (or kill themselves), but we’re seeing that every once in awhile someone acts with deadly violence against others. An interesting fact about many of the recent perpetrators is that they chose their victims at random. They can’t say why they killed. They have very little connection to society or to themselves. (Note: In the Wikipedia article on the Akihabara killing read the paragraph about the perpetrator’s “Early life and education.”)

I’ve written this based on my wife’s recollections of the panel discussion and my own impressions. I hope to get a copy of the program from NHK and use it in Global Adventure to stimulate discussion. Then hopefully I’ll write a more in depth response.

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This past week someone who I’ve worked closely with for the past two years turned on me. It all came to a head yesterday with a fax message essentially cutting me off from a group I’ve been helping out for the past two years (my Thursday night semi-volunteer English conversation group).

I don’t want to go into details or invite judgments, but I know it’s tempting to try and guess what happened. Let me just say that I have the support of other past and present members of the group, and my relationships with them are better than ever. There are some cultural issues, as always, but that’s not what this issue is about. This really goes in the dysfunctional “stuff that happens” category.

I’m very sad for my friend. He’s under enormous stress, and he’s afraid for reasons I can’t attempt to understand (but I know there are reasons). He’s not paranoid, but he’s been interpreting the actions of people who actually like him as “plotting” and “offensive” and trying to assert control over them. Now I think he’s broken the last straw, and he’s cutting himself off more than anything or anyone else.

I don’t have a great or wise point to make. I just wanted to type this out because it’s happening; and conflict is a normal and I’ll dare say universal part of life we all face.

Here’s a quote I found in the book I’ve been reading.

The heart in love remains soft and sensitive. But when you’re hell-bent on getting this or the other thing, you become ruthless, hard, and insensitive. How can you love people when you need people? You can only use them. If I need you to make me happy, I’ve got to use you, I’ve got to manipulate you, I’ve got to find ways and means of winning you. I cannot let you be free. (Anthony De Mello, Awareness, p140-141)

Interesting timing to be reading this book. When I first heard the news my heart started pounding, my breath turned shallow, and I had a cold feeling in my stomach. I couldn’t stop the anger and feeling of being hurt from rising, but at the same moment I asked myself where it came from.  I hadn’t been hurt; my friend had acted out against his perception of me and was only hurting himself. Why should I want to hurt him? I want the best for him. I really do.

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I want to change the world. I’m sure many will suppose that I’m naive, but I think I’ve seen too much to fit strictly into that category. OK, relatively speaking, others have seen and suffered more. Anyway, if the cost of being less cynical is to be perceived as naive, then I’ll gladly pay it.

Of course, the world is constantly changing; things are getting better and worse all the time (and often the difference just depends on what side of the change you’re standing on). And just when you see progress, things have a way of taking a turn for the worse.

Today, Jim Palmer wrote about forced child prostitution, which he has witnessed firsthand as a volunteer with International Justice Mission. Then he wrote: “How do you personally relate your spirituality to such suffering in the world? For all the effort and energy expended in social justice efforts, I sometimes feel we don’t press deep enough in thinking about our response to the world’s suffering.” He included some questions (read the whole post here).

I was thinking about this recently (when I wrote the two paragraphs above). I take volunteers from Japan to Cambodia. I want to help make a difference in Cambodia, and I want Japanese people to be changed (and join in making a difference as they go through their own lives). What can I do that will bring genuine, lasting change? I concluded that real change only happens when people change from the inside out. When their hearts change and their bodies follow. It can start with me — as Love genuinely captures my heart and expresses itself in the world — and move out from there.

How does my spirituality relate? I think that love comes from God, and we can love because God loves us. God’s perfect love was expressed in Christ; at least I think I’ve encountered this reality and it’s amazing.

I know this statement might seem laden with agenda. The truth is I don’t want you to join my group, agree with my beliefs, accept me (or reject me), validate me, or Digg me. If you discover the Love that I’ve found, then you can do what you want (and, if you follow what I’m saying, you will want to know and practice and be Love).

My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. (1 John 4:7 The Message)

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