I feel happiest when I feel like I’m in touch with and at peace with the world around me. When I’m happiest, it’s like the whole world tips up and pours me into the presence of God, and I either bask in the glow or begin to pray. Moments like those are rare though. From day to day, I’d say happiness or sadness both revolve around my sense of connection with others and myself, and in those times I feel connected with God (hard to say, really what comes first and maybe there’s no formula). I’m not sure what percentage of the time I’m happy — when I am, it feels like it’s been forever, and vice versa when I’m not.

I’m not that good at pretending, at least I don’t think so. But I am a very steady person on the outside, so people really can’t see when I’m flying or sinking. Maybe that means I’m good at pretending…

Someone once asked me under what circumstances I would be really happy. I started talking about all sorts of good things that I wanted to happen. I lived in the inner city then, so I was describing youth changing their lives and people living in community. Then the person observed that all my criteria were beyond my control, so I might never be happy if these things had to happen. I realized that happiness is a choice, at least to a degree. Right then I decided to act on a dream. Six months later I went to Mexico for 3 months to learn Spanish at an intensive school. You could say my life hasn’t been the same since. I realized then, and I’m reminded as I write, that it’s okay and important to honestly acknowledge my own heart and go with what’s there. I say this as a person who believes God is at work in me, as the Bible says, to will and act according to his good purposes. In other words, I can trust to a fair degree what’s on my heart, even (or especially if) I think it’ll lead to more happiness in my life and for those I love.